Attraction and romantic feelings can pose risks when they take precedence over assessing a person's behaviour and receptivity to feedback in a relationship. It's crucial to be vigilant about identifying signs that someone may not be a suitable choice for emotional intimacy and carefully consider whether to continue the connection. Below, you'll find indicators that can help you determine if someone may not be a suitable partner for a relationship.
Safety in this context encompasses feeling shielded from harm and genuinely cared for. Safe individuals demonstrate a commitment to not causing physical or emotional harm to others, and they also do not exhibit abusive tendencies towards themselves or others. Having such people in your life is particularly valuable, especially if you have previously encountered unsafe individuals.
In their book "Safe People," therapists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend define safe people as those who positively influence our lives by their mere presence. The authors caution that unsafe individuals can often appear charming and promising, and their character issues may not be immediately apparent.
According to Cloud and Townsend, focusing on a person's character, rather than solely relying on their attractiveness, can save you time and emotional distress. In "Safe People," they identify three commonly recognized categories of "unsafe people." While these individuals may not necessarily be abusers, identifying them as unsafe is a prudent initial step toward establishing a healthy relationship:
Abandoners: Abandoners are individuals who initiate relationships but struggle to maintain them. They often withdraw when their presence is needed the most. Some fear emotional closeness, preferring superficial connections, while others are perfectionists who abandon those they perceive as having flaws.
Critics: Critics are judgmental individuals who lack empathy and compassion. They show no willingness to extend grace or forgiveness. Often, they become fixated on pointing out others' mistakes, emphasizing doctrine and ethics over forming genuine connections. Interacting with critics can leave you feeling burdened with guilt and anxiety.
Irresponsibles: Irresponsibles neglect their own responsibilities and make poor life choices. They disregard the consequences of their actions, fail to honour commitments and exhibit unreliability. You may find yourself repeatedly making excuses for them after giving them numerous chances, leading to resentment.
Identifying the signs of an unsafe person is crucial. Pay attention to certain traits that should raise concerns when you encounter them in a new acquaintance or potential partner. Unsafe individuals may exhibit behaviours such as:
- Defensiveness instead of openness to feedback.
- Self-righteousness or insincere humility instead of genuine humility.
- Offering apologies without making meaningful changes in their harmful behaviours.
- Avoiding the resolution of their problems instead of addressing them.
- Readily shifting blame onto others rather than taking responsibility for their decisions.
- Engaging in deceitful behaviour.
However, it's important to evaluate these traits in terms of their severity. Occasional defensiveness or dishonesty may not necessarily warrant labelling someone as "unsafe." Observe how the person responds to feedback and their willingness to adapt their behaviour. Until you are confident in their safety, exercise caution in proceeding further in the relationship.